Fear and Expectation

Rina and I recently have been attending marriage counseling.  We needed it.  Not because we were on the brink of divorce but because we had become complacent in loving each other.  This, of course, leads to conflict where I am, always, right.  Or so I think.  If she would just do what I wanted/needed/expected her to do, all would be well.  She just wouldn’t do it.  This would fuel a desire inside of me to fix her or should I say conform her unto my image for her.  If she would just sit down for 5 minutes and listen to the voice of wisdom and reason, she would see all this my way and start doing what I expected.  She just wouldn’t do it.  She really has got some problems! What I didn’t understand was the she wasn’t the problem, the problem was me.  Unbeknownst to me, I had also done the same thing to God.

I had certain expectations for God.  God should be blessing me, watching over me, and be on the verge of making me a millionaire over night.  “What are you waiting for?”  I would say to God through a prayer of doubt.  My current financial situation is a bit of a disaster. I do know that He will sometime deliver me financially because He has told me this on several occasions.  He just isn’t doing it up to my expectation. This triggers one of my core fears which is a fear of failure.  I have this fear of not being able to pay my bills and so I beg God for deliverance but I really don’t believe He will do it because if He were going to do it He would have done it by now.  I do know that He will do it He just isn’t doing it right now.   Do you see the insanity in all this?  I didn’t.  When He doesn’t meet my need according to my expectation I am barely capable of being grateful what He is doing.  Then, when He doesn’t live up to my expectations, it triggers my other core fear.  The fear of rejection.  I feel rejected by God because if He loved me He would’ve rescued me from this terrible disaster by now, but He hasn’t because He doesn’t like me.  He only has to tolerate me because of what Jesus did for me but If He had another option, He would cast me out of His sight forever.  Isn’t this nonsense?  Yes, but it’s how I felt.  Here is what counseling has helped me realize.

God will not serve my fears or my expectations and neither should my wife.  He will not bow down to them and neither should she.  I had to let fear and expectation both go.  Let God be God and Rina be Rina and just love them and allow them to love me as they see fit not as I expect.  Rina triggers my core fear of “being controlled.”  There are certain things that I do that trigger her core fears which leads her to respond with an effort to control.  This is the dance that we have done for a number of years and we’ve decided to stop dancing.  I don’t dance all that great nowadays anyway, since about 1985 (I danced pretty good back in the day but that ship has sailed). I am not responsible for either her reactions or God’s actions.  I can only control my reactions and actions and I have chosen to love them both regardless of what they do (Rina and God).  For me , this was a tremendously freeing revelation and simply, just a better way to live.

Books that are helping:  DNA of relationships Gary Smalley

Telling yourself the truth:  William Bachus and Marie Chapain

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